Friday, January 25

What's your excuse? Idiots....

I went to watch two movies recently. Well, three if you count I Am Legend. But my rants today are for the two I just watched, Cloverfield last Friday and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street yesterday. It’s time to get some things off my chest. So to all cinema goers please take note. Take note and be a good cinema goer, or don’t listen and remain the idiots that you are.

First rule to watching a movie
Know what type of movie you’re about to watch. I’m not saying you should watch all teasers, full length trailers, read reviews, blogs, memorise cast and all that. I know I don’t do this for fear of spoiling the whole movie experience. But the least you can do is find out the type of movie. You know, is it going to be a drama, action packed adventure, romance, fantasy, comedy, romantic comedy, black comedy, spoof, satire, whatever, just find out the bloody type of movie you’re gonna watch!

If it’s gonna be filmed through a hand-held camera and told through the first person or whatever you call it, like Cloverfield, you can expect it to be shaky. Of course! That’s the whole point of the story, it’s a bunch of amateurs like you and me trying to film what must have been the most terrifying experience that they were going through, using a bloody video cam. So of course it’s gonna be shaky! Bunch of idiots!

And you know it’s a monster movie. Of course there’ll be a (gasp surprise surprise!) a monster! Again, bloody idiots! You know it’s a monster movie, so suspend reality for an hour and 15 minutes and just watch the bloody thing already! Stop sighing, whining, groaning, complaining, heavy sighing and complaining some more. It’s a monster movie. Deal with it. Don’t laugh, don’t talk loudly, don’t discuss the storyline. Just don’t. Shut your gob and watch. Damn bloody idiots. If you don’t like it and can’t stomach it, leave. That’s what the exits are for. Don’t ruin the experience for other people.

When I bought tickets for Cloverfield, the guy at the ticket counter actually gave my husband and I a warning. He told us that many people complained because the picture was shaky. I just laughed out loud. Yep, right to his face. Sorry man, didn’t mean to laugh at you. But I feel sorry for you because you had to inform everyone who bought tickets about this. I’m sure this part of your job sucks. This was probably due to all the idiots who watched it and thought, Oh what a dumb sucky movie this is and oh how shaky it is. I think it’s my duty to complain to the cinema management. And maybe they’ll waste their time trying to warn others. Shaky, I hate that word. As I hate all idiots.

And guess what? The same thing happened when I watched Sweeney Todd in sunway yesterday. I was unfortunate enough to watch it with a cinema full of college kids who mostly fell in the idiots category (sad to say- hah!).

Again, know what type of movie you’re watching. If you’re watching Sweeney Todd, well obviously you’re gonna watch a musical. And of course there’ll be singing. IDIOTS! Every time the characters opened their mouths to sing, there were groaning, and moaning, and giggling, and ‘oh no’s and whatever else their sorry little minds could think of doing. If you don’t like to hear singing, DON’T WATCH A MUSICAL! Go watch some insipid brainless movie instead; there are lots of those that you can choose from which I’m sure you’ll enjoy.

Second rule to watching a movie
For the eleventh hundredth time, we don’t care about what happened to you in class today nor do we want to hear you talking about your cheating girlfriend, so stop talking. Never ever talk during a movie. It’s just crass and shows how senseless and dim you are. So hush! Again, if you find the movie not to your liking, then please leave. Leave and make the world a better place.

Don’t spoil other people’s experience just because you’re too dumb to understand what’s going on in the movie. If you really don’t understand, read the bloody subtitles. If you still don’t understand, hey perhaps that’s not the movie for you. Maybe you should try watching something simpler, like I don’t know, The Little Mermaid? Easier plot to follow, fun characters, colourful movie, and oh my, the crab sings too!

So that’s it. Two simple rules to remember. Easy peasy. Nothing too taxing for that small pea-brain of yours.

Bloody idiots….


Anonymous said...

Yeah you tell 'em honey.. Bloody idiots... Hey you forgot about those bloody idiots who enjoy kicking your seat too. Bloody idiots.

takdekeje said...

next time try signature gsc @gardens.. 20 bucks on weekends tend to keep the idiots and rempits away..

adora said...

wow emo running wild eh? haha. ok2 i adhere. 100%. where do i sign the petititon?

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Tom said...

How come you don't write anymore? Do write.