Tuesday, September 6

Lazy sick-o

I missed a blog entry yesterday. I try to write from Mondays to Fridays and the weekends are spent away from the computer. But I missed yesterday because I was feeling really tired and lethargic in the office.

I did things with robot-like movements, doing them for the sake of doing them and getting things done. No thought went into my work. None, whatsoever. This made one of the tasks really tough. I wanted to wrap up a presentation I prepared since like ages ago, but I just couldn’t think straight. I read the same frigging slides over and over and yet there was no coherent train of thought. Zip. Nada. So I chucked that out. For a day anyway. Lucky me I had set out my deadlines a week earlier. Yeah… what’s up with that huh? Setting deadlines for myself a week earlier and then working like a ‘lipas kudung’ trying to get it done, and when it’s done, I smile at how I still have one week to do the bloody job. I really must be getting crazy after all….

So today I’m at home because I feel a cold coming. I hate moving about because I feel so lazy. And that’s another thing. It could be that I’m really tired or exhausted but I still call it being plain lazy. Hubby told me that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I guess that I am. I will never admit that I’m tired. I’m always “just plain lazy”.

Unconsciously I must have set these rules, this dogma, if you will, that I must never let others see how weak I am. I have had such a trying time growing up with my blood disorder, this affliction that makes others see me in a different light altogether. People used to ask me why I was so pale. Does it hurt? Do you feel tired? Breathless? The questions didn’t seem to stop. It made me feel really helpless and weak to have to answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, that I simply pushed all these thoughts to the farthest recesses of my mind and forget about them. So anytime I feel a teeny bit tired, I brush it aside and say, “Man, I feel so lazy today”.

You know what? Typing all this and sitting at this table in this room with the heat emanating through the windows makes me so lazy. I think I’ll stop now. Hope to be back to work tomorrow, if I don’t get too lazy again….

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